Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
