Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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