OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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