Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
