3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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