my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
