Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
3pm strippers are depressing
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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