Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
