He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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