he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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