How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
