A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
