he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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