Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
