I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
