my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You can't just leave with hair like that
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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