he thought i was a dude.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
