I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
