The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Floor bacon is actually really good
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize