and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
