Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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