So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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