I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
