i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
