I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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