If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize