I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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