a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
