when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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