i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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