even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
