I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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