can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
