Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
