I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
