and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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