I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize
