imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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