I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So many bounce houses so little time
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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