i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
