i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
