My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize