One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
