Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
