it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
