I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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