Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
