i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
