You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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