I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
