i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
