Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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