I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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