I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
