she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
