I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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