Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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