So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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